someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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