i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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