We named our party play list daddy issues
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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