How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
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Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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