If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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