Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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