im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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