his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
