Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
