so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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