I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
