I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
