Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
