I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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