Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
