I'm gonna have a badass scar
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
