Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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