I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
