I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
