it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
