new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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