dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
