He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
