she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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