Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
