I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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