You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
