What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
