would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
