the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
