I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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