yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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