I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
