i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
