I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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