Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it's like heaven, but drunker
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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