life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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