Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
