I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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