i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
