can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
