Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Someone shit on the floor
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
