I am spending my child support on dildos
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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