Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
zippers are such a cool invention
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
