You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
