I will die if light touches me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How does one acquire holy water?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
