how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
