my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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