There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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