Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
