Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
