Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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