I can't watch pbs sober anymore
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
