All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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