i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
