life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
