Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
